| My Search For Joy |
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| Catherine Ciolli | |||
| Monday, 21 August 2006 | |||
I reflect back on my day and realize what I have already accomplished; and the day is only half done. In the last two hours I had an impromptu lunch with my husband, put my six month old daughter down for her afternoon nap, organized with my business partner about our office space, instructed the maid what to do (my husband is not happy about the way his pants are being ironed), cooked dinner, and did some work, (email, coach a client and write) - all on about four hours sleep the night before. So why do I feel guilty that I am not adding value? Okay, I am a bit of a brat, and I always said I wanted it all, the husband, career and children, as well as a few other odds and ends. Well here it is, and all I want to know is how I do this guilt free and with enjoyment. The stress caused by living out each of these different roles perfectly, especially when they conflict, is what makes me feel that I am losing my mind and not quite experiencing the pleasure of each role. I don't know which way to turn and feel guilty about the choices I have to make. The guilt created by choosing is robbing me of the enjoyment of being wife, mother, business women and me. How can I separate my life into different compartments so that I can give everyone everything they need, run the home, maintain a healthy relationship with friends, family, and specifically husband; all this while trying to satisfy an inner sense of purpose and self-actualization? The challenge for me seems to be maintaining many roles at one time, balancing the different demands made on me through the day. There are various strategies I have figured out. The first is good time management; however unfortunately there are only 24 hours in a day! I know I prioritise certain roles while others get pushed into the background - the result is a rather neglected husband at times. Combining roles is possible, but not always. It is not possible to take your child to a business meeting, and have you ever tried to work while baby sitting? Lowering of standards as I talk on the cell phone, whilst driving and feeding my daughter across the seat is inevitable. Working part time seems to have resulted in me doing a lot more in a shorter amount of time. Outsourcing my daughter's needs has its limits as I do want to develop a meaningful relationship with her. Having a live-at-home husband means I would have to get divorced and remarry, as my husband won't do this, and that is just way off track. So there are some strategies to employ and to varying degrees I feel that I use some of them. But it is hard work and I have forgotten why I do this? I realize there is a gift in the struggle. In the process of living out so many roles, I have learnt some things about life and myself. I have learnt how multi-faceted I am, and how to live that out in a way that works for me. I have learnt to look positively and with satisfaction at what I manage to do, and drop my childhood indoctrination of never being good enough. I have learnt to recognize when guilt is robbing me of the pleasure of my life. I have learnt to silence my critical voice, and not allow it to project onto my husband who then voices it. I have come to recognize that my greatest ally is self-control which ensures I exercise, eat and sleep well. Actually I have also learnt that sleep is relative and I don't need as much as I think. And most importantly I have learnt the importance of balance. To be effective in my life requires that I am able to manage my life in all aspects, across the various roles I have chosen to live. Sounds so trite and insanely boring, so much so that it is not worth achieving, but I have learnt that in the simple concept of balance lies my liberation. And therein lies my source of joy. My joy comes from the simple fleeting moments when I feel happy. Not the great overwhelming, mind blowing falling in love kind of delirium, but rather the calm simple, moments of love and appreciation. These moments happen through my day. They are present when I play with my daughter and her pure gurgling laughter flows over me, when listening to my husband' most intimate concerns and fears, when assisting a client to see past the looming reality of retirement, when seeing fellow dog walkers in the field, and having an inane conversation about the show, My Fair Lady. My joy lies in all these moments, and I access them through balancing and dipping into each of the roles which form part of my definition. I am truly blessed, so let me go and fetch my car from the garage, drop the gardener at home, walk the dogs, greet my husband and have dinner. These roles I balance make up the moments of my life and it is complete. "Even though balance may not be the point, it is often the warp and weave of the fabric that holds the whole of our lives." Whitworth, Kimsey-House and Sandahl, 1998. Co-active Coaching
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This is the powerful story of the author's struggle with Multiple Sclerosis and how a healer's unusual prescription of mindful altruism - to 'give away 29 gifts in 29 days' - ignited her energy, her happiness, and invited more abundance into her life.
